


The Five Times Kent Got Laid (And The One Time He Didn't Because it Was Hal)

by Lawfuless



Category: DCU, Marvel
Genre: 5+1 Things, A Joke Story, Explicit Sexual Content, For Me, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:56:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7215943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lawfuless/pseuds/Lawfuless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>((This is really just a joke story pretending it's serious. But really, if you're reading this, YOU were interested enough to read it.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Times Kent Got Laid (And The One Time He Didn't Because it Was Hal)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OnyxKitten93](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxKitten93/gifts).



> I really must thank OnyxKitten93 for this. I was explaining the 5+1 things to her and I was saying how "if I made one, it would be like, the 5 times Kent got laid and the one time he didn't" And she helpfully added "Because it was Hal". Thus, this idea has been stuck in my head.
> 
> They're set up to be connected, but can be read separately.

1\. The Spectre and The Phantom Stranger; Good God, I Must Have Been Blind

Kent wasn't one to agree to frivolous arguments or fights. Nor would he bet on things happening (Well, he was banned, but it was the same thing). He did, however, try to keep his ears open when such things happened. So he had heard ahead of time that there was a pool in place. Over him. He listened carefully as Wonder Woman gossiped to Hawkgirl about it.

"You bet that much? Huh! Well, I was thinking of putting it on Stranger, but if you're that confident he'll get Fate first, who am I to judge?" She laughed as they passed by the corridor Fate was in. He didn't bother asking, instead frowning and continuing forwards. He headed to the cafeteria. For immortal beings who didn't need to eat, those two lurked around there unnecessarily.

Fate strode over, staring at them. They were in an argument. His name was being tossed around too. The crowd was hard to get through, but once they saw him they split like the Red Sea before Moses. A very angry sea, and a frustrated Moses. "What's going on here?" he demanded.

The silence was overwhelming. He tapped his foot, waiting for a reply. "Well?" He pressed for an answer. Suddenly, they were somewhere else. Some other dimension. He sent the Stranger a dirty look. "Using your powers to take us way from the watchtower doesn't mean you don't have to explain-" he was cut off as his helm was taken off and suddenly he was being kissed by the Spectre. Stranger kept him sandwiched between them. 

"The easiest answer would be that we were staging a fight so you could show up and we could whisk you away to win a bet for ourselves... but the longer answer would be that after careful deliberation, it was decided that we would play fair and give each other the full chance to win you over. But we staged a fight to win you over anyways, and then mutually decided that we could probably share, if put to it." Stranger noted lowly by his ear. "That is, if you'll allow us."

That question was a bit unfair, considering his current predicament. He groaned, breath hitching as Spectre moved to grazing his neck with barely flattened fangs. He grabbed onto Spectre, trying to keep on his feet as the threatened to give way at the wandering hands. He felt a gloved palm pressing on his slowly growing erection. Then they both stilled. He gave an irritated growl.

"Do you want this?" Spectre demanded. "Say it. Tell us what you want, or this ends." he stated. They weren't going to force him. To emphasize that, they stepped back. Or, at least, Stranger did. Kent still had a grip on the hood of the spirit of Vengeance. He was pulled back in for another kiss. This still wasn't enough, though. Spectre grabbed his chin as he pulled away. "Words."

Fate hissed. "If you think you're going to be able to go through all this trouble and then leave, you'd better realize that I sure as hell am not calling it quits. So my question to you is are you going to stay and prove your little point, or should  _I_ leave? I  _want_ this now-" Before he could get much farther in his rant, he was being sandwiched again and his head was being moved to the side so Stranger could get the opportunity to silence him. Clothes were lost in a flurry he could barely tell happened. Sudden it was very cold, and he was very nude, and between two very nude forms.

A leg was hitched up and held to a hip. Then the other was off the ground and he was in the air, held up only by the hands on his hips and waist. He could feel a strange sensation snaking over him, settling at his lower half. Light pressure on his weeping cock while there was building pressure at his ass. Breath hitching into a gasp, he felt the gloved hands move away. They settled on wandering his body while he was too busy holding on to what he could to fend off the searching hands.

He shuddered, then threw back his head as he was very suddenly entered, hips jerking a bit and spine curling. It was small. Maybe the size of a single finger. It slowly grew wider, lightly thrusting. If it weren't for it's lack of friction, he might have called the whole thing off out of pain. As it was, it was strange but alright.

Slowly, he was shifted until he felt two rather hard members brushing over him. He wasn't actually sure, with their size, that it would fit, even with the magical prep. Still, he was worked quite open. He took careful breaths, slowly calming down now that they had stopped touching and kissing and... Well, being so interested in him.

The stretched was quite a bit. He had tensed, then forced himself to relax. He did have to pat Spectre's shoulder when it got too much, and they would stop to let him adjust. When they were finally in all the way, they went back to feeling him over. Spectre went back to his neck, before pausing by his ear. "It always hurts at first, but you'll get used to it." A promise, if he'd ever heard one.

When the pain was gone enough that he could relax, he was being moved. Lifted up, then slowly pushed down. He jerked a bit, twisting slightly in the grasp. "O-oh! Oh fuck!" he inhaled sharply as they hit something. He dug nails in to whatever he had a hold of, trying to maintain composure. While he was too busy focusing on other things, they shared a look, then picked up the pace. This time, their aim was careful-- and true.

If he were completely honest, he would admit to have kind of blanking out between all the writhing. And he certainly hadn't ever had such a powerful orgasm. Or felt one so powerful. He almost winced when he came back down from the high and found he was pretty much dripping. He was still being held up, and he was glad. He doubted his ability to stand. Instead, he just nuzzled in close as Stranger took him into his arms and carried him off.

He would find out later that Spectre had returned to the Watchtower, told Superman not to expect any assistance from any of them for the next week or so, and then proceeded to put a sign on the betting pool proclaiming that all money went to charity and that Stranger had won with his bet of 'both'. All in all a win. Except for his ability to walk. He was certainly glad he had the week off. Even if that opened the opportunity for more exhausting activities.

* * *

 2. Superman And Batman; Control

If there was one thing Fate hadn't expected to return to, it was a contagion outbreak. He had been knocking out friends all over the place. They jumped out of the dimly lit corridors, or through suddenly working doors. He had managed to find refuge in one of the meeting rooms. He backed up, letting out a sigh of relief. Then he heard the door open. He looked up. "Fate? ....Are you alright?" Bruce. He gave a low sigh, standing.

"As fine as one can be. I see you had an incident while I was out." He noted quietly. He moved slightly closer, glad at least that there was someone else who was mentally sound. "What even happened? I was gone maybe a week and you already have something happening... What caused this, or who?" he asked carefully.

Bruce shook his head, approaching. "I haven't any idea. There's too many of them around the security and labs to try and figure out who patient zero was. I was luckily working on something in the tech section so I had protection from it. Airborne. Was. Seems fine now." he stated, gesturing to his only half-covered face in explanation. "I didn't think anyone else would show up. Or that anyone else would be uninfected. Still, if we both work at it, we can get to the security room. ...We do need a distraction, though."

Kent took off his helm, looking at it, then up. "I'll play distraction. If I get in a tight corner, I can teleport out if I really need to. You are also stealthier than me." he replied. When he got a nod, he headed to the door. "I'll lead them to the teleporter room, then I'll circle back around to meet you here."

They parted ways, Kent waiting a good minute before making a lot of noise, heading towards the biggest room he knew of. He managed to draw majority of them to him, distracting them from their true goal. And when it got too much, he flew up and teleported to a spare room. He exited, checking around, then headed to the meeting room. He returned to see Bruce with Clark. Superman smiled faintly, seconds before Bruce lifted a control and the door shut behind him, making him jump a bit.

Before he could react, his helm was picked off and thrown aside. He was thrown into the desk, midsection hitting the edge hard. He gasped in pain, trying to twist to see them. But he was being held by a force stronger than him. With only minor magic at his disposal, it seemed futile. Especially when a pair of cuffs made it onto his hands. Magic blocking, and weighted so he would be stuck there. "B-Bruce? Clark? What are you--" He cut himself off, smelling something strange. Something lulling him into complacency.

"Magi, as it turns out, are a lot harder to infect. To make absolute certainty we could get you in on the action, we had to make sure you wouldn't suspect us. You trusted us the most. Or, at least, we can't infect Stranger or Spectre and we haven't been able to try..." Clark noted, beginning to pry off his costume. He mostly ripped it away. Bruce came over, grabbing his hair and using it to tilt his head, pressing their lips together. He bit Kent's lip until he finally opened his mouth.

He was pulled into a full kiss while Clark slicked up his own fingers then pressed them into him. Two to start, which stung a bit. His head was going a little bit fuzzy, not at all helped by the lazy strokes Superman was giving him. Bruce was pulling away, pulling his hair so he also raised, spine curving to keep himself a bit more comfortable. Bruce climbed onto the table, easily pulling off his attire. Must have had a built in feature or something.

Then his face was being pushed into dark curls, a pre-cum soaked head pressed to his lips. Before he could even think about it, a crooked finger hit something that had him gasping, and he suddenly had the head in his mouth. Bruce wasn't cruel, however, and he set a gentle pace, letting Kent even get a breath of air if he went too deep.

Clark was pushing in, and it hurt. Hands rubbed his sides, one moving quicker on his erection in an effort to take his mind off the rather large and possible diamond-grade hardness that was stretching him. His eyes were watering, the pain was worse with the lack of lube. Hell, if he wasn't infected simply by breathing... His thoughts were clouded and unfocused, which did nothing to improve when Kent finally felt a slight spark of pleasure. It built up easily with the attention he was getting, and soon he was moving with the slightest thrust, which quickly increased in speed and pressure.

It was a losing battle even before they moved onto more persuasive methods. He bucked at each thrust, all but gone as Clark kept at it, bobbing his head to elicit groans from the Dark Knight. He swallowed around him, easily knocking Batman over the edge. Clark grabbed him, giving a few quick pulls which sent him over, tightening around the unyielding rod lodged in his rectum. Clark came soon after, though Kent was still over sensitive and quaked under the thrusts. Still, with the way he slumped when they moved back, he was in no condition for any more fun. At least he had a table to lean on. His knees were shaking, though, so Bruce released him and Clark caught him as he fell.

It would be only a few more hours before Stranger showed up. He managed to clear the air, though not before he made sure everyone was already knocked out. Including the Kryptonian. He certainly didn't pull his punches, evident when both Batman and Superman woke up to bruised jaws.

Served them right, they supposed.

* * *

3\. John Constantine; Look Like An Angel, Fuck Like A Demon

Really, he should have seen it coming. He'd been having a long week- which he had only just gotten back to his feet after- and of course it was probably stupid to agree to anything. It was probably something like curse, for all he knew. Still, he fell for it, either way. Constantine had called up, requesting assistance with a case. Apparently it had the dabblings of a Lord of Chaos mixed in with an incubus. That never worked out well. So, he headed to the address John had sent him.

He stood in the main section of the little apartment. It had an open layout, but he stood essentially in the living room. The only place Constantine could have been was the bathroom. He heard a faint grunt, but it didn't sound like anything too concerning, so he merely waited. John stepped out, looking a bit worse for wear with a bandage on his arm. "Sorry 'bout the wait, luv." he pardoned himself, glancing over Fate. "You ready?" he asked. Probably checking to see if he had any extra weapons. Specifically ones he might snag. Kent knew by now.

"Of course. Lead the way." he intoned. He followed the mage out the door and into the streets. They went through empty alleyways and deserted crosswalks until they entered a small warehouse. "Through that door." John warned him, moving back. He moved forwards carefully, opening the door and peeking in. There was a cot set up, candles glowing around the small room. It seemed to be empty. Suddenly, he was jabbed in the neck and he went to turn, but found his feet didn't properly work anymore, so he ended up falling through the door, landing on the cot.

Clothing stripped away with a spell, Constantine clicked his tongue, eyes splitting into four and glowing a soft yellow. Greater Lust Demon. Great. He was starting to feel warm, and it wasn't the candles. Or the close proximity. He groaned softly. Incubus Venom. He was being moved, hips lifted. The demon settled between them, a quirked grin on Constantine's face. "Hope you don't mind." Two eyes winked at him. Then his face turned red beneath the helm. Missionary. There were so many things he could say to that. Instead, he began summing up his energy.

The penetration was quick and easy, body completely lax. As the demon focused on fucking him into the mattress, he took a deep breath, then began a soft exorcism. It took some effort to keep his voice steady and stutter free, but he managed to. Hell, the demon didn't even seem to notice until they were inches from finishing. Then they grabbed at his helm, yanking it off and pulling him into a kiss a few seconds too late.

Constantine stared down at the blond looking up hopefully at him. He felt exhausted, and couldn't really recall anything. How much had he drank at the bar? Hell if he knew. Still, set-up looked fairly romantic. Then his eyes caught on the golden helm still rocking slightly. Then at the uniform nearby. The other had narrowed his eyes. "...John... Get off of me." And that was definitely a real and really angry Doctor Fate he was currently... Oh, jeez. Incubus, right. He had gotten bit, and it had tracked him back to possess him. Seemed like his call to the Doctor went to the wrong one. Damn Siri. Probably would have been worse if it was Thirteen. He climbed off, then paused at the other didn't seem to be moving.

"The 'ell 'appened?" he questioned. The bright red flush and averting of gaze still didn't off-put him. He slowly came to realize Fate was immobile, and burst into laughter. "You- you-"

" _Say another word, and I will end you, John Constantine._ "

* * *

4\. Warren Worthington III; Hold It Against Me

Another universe, dragged by accident through a portal. He had ended up in a strange mansion, full of people who were blue, furry, winged, floating, fanged... Well, they weren't quite normal. And yet HE was the one being stared at. ...That was rather unfair of him, but he was more startled than they were. He recoiled a bit, directly into the one with wings who quickly grabbed him. "How did you get here?" The one holding him demanded.

Kent struggled, looking for the portal that had brought him. Closed. Damn it. "If I knew what triggered it, I probably wouldn't have done it in the first place-- Best bet, however, would be magic." he replied with a shake of his helmed-clad head. "Would you please release me? I'm not sure what your world is like, but I know that I've done nothing wrong and I've only just showed up so I deserve at the very least the benefit of the doubt." 

They stared at him with a look that practically screamed 'Really?'. He groaned, then looked around until he spotted the Helm of Fate. "Nabu, would you please?" he asked. The Helm lifted up, manifesting itself. The group looked over. But the Lord of Order didn't seem to mind, waving a disembodied glove. A brief image showed him fighting alongside Doctor Strange against Demons. He felt the hold around him slacken. Xavier wheeled into the room. "Charles. Good to see you again." he offered, beckoning his hand and catching the helm as it went back to it's normal state. He put it on, costume materializing upon him.

"Doctor Fate. It has been awhile. Now, Students, I introduce you to Doctor Fate. He was an ally many, many years ago. Doctor Fate, these are my students. From the School I run." Xavier introduced as he bowed politely. "Now, students, feel free to continue. Warren, would you mind accompanying Fate and I as we walk? I have a favor to ask of you." With a nod, the one from before followed. He seemed strangely bulky, despite the fact he had rather light feeling.

Kent strode alongside the wheelchair, their companion following warily. "I am aware you got here due to the trials by a student of mine. So I won't ask about that. I do, however, wish to know how you planned to leave?" Charles asked. "As of right now, by the time you leave, it will be too late to simply drive. So, perhaps you should stay. On top of that, to arrive at the place most likely to help you- Doctor Strange- you would have to get there. The issue in flying would be that there is a law about vigilantism. Now, I can get one of my students to take you, but I could not get you there. So, Warren, will you help Doctor Fate?" he asked.

The silent figure slowly nodded. "He could stay with me, and I could fly him back." The blond student replied. Warren, as it turned out, had some kind of wings. As such, he had his own room. Since he would have to fly Fate anyways, he figured he might as well save anyone else the issue of dealing with the stranger. Plus, he assumed he preferred to sleep without his helm. Some were very sensitive about their identities. Which was, in the other's case, understandable.

Kent shrugged. "If you don't mind having me." he said to Warren. Xavier seemed to say something to Warren mentally, as he took Fate's hand, leading him away. "...Thank you, for this. And sorry for earlier. For startling you. And the others, of course. I had no intention to arrive. Especially not so suddenly. And having you put up with me. I'll try not to get in your way." he spoke in a polite way.

"Don't worry too much about it, and I'm alright. At least you bothered to apologize." He led him upstairs to his room, opening the door and leading him in. Once the door was closed, he let go of his hand, shrugging off his trenchcoat and quickly undoing his belts to let his wings out. He stretched them out, then sat down to carefully groom what he could reach.

Kent sat down, carefully removing the helm and watching from his seat on his bed as he kicked off his shoes and pulled up his legs to sit cross-legged. "Do you need any help?" he asked cautiously. At the slight nod, he got up and moved closer, doing what the other couldn't. He paused when he heard a soft gasp, then continued, not quite sure if that was his imagination. Before he could ponder it too much more, he was being pinned to the bed, kissed.

Everything was in a flurry that he hardly had time to process, suddenly there was a mouth around him and two fingers shoved inside of him. He had to restrain himself from getting too excited. He came embarrassingly quickly, and then felt the other settle between his legs. He could barely process what was going on as he was being pressed into the mattress. The slight burn caused him to hiss as he was entered. Still, this time there was some lubrication, at least. And that helped soothe the pain. He tugged at the other's wings, continuing to stroke and straighten them.

He very quickly felt the other's surge and then his release. Warren pulled out, breathing hard. He slowly blinked, then swallowed. "S-sorry. I should have-" But the words were cut off by a sloppy kiss. He shut up, instead moving beside the other worldly being. He folded his on wing, then used the other to cover them as he pulled up the covers. 

* * *

5\. Doctor Strange; Strange Magic

He brushed a feather off his shoulder, waving at the sky as his ride left. He looked up to the Sanctum. Wow, that was a sight to behold. Not that anyone else could see. He entered it, watching the entrance come into view. How wonderful. He walked forwards until behind stopped by a barrier. "Who are you?" he heard a nearby voice demanding. Before he could even speak, however, the true reason for his visit stepped out of another room and dismissed the barrier.

"Well, I'll be. Doctor Fate. It's only been, what, ten years?" Doctor Stephen Strange asked as he approached the other magi. The other had fled the room upon realizing their mistake, leaving them alone. "You look about as well as you did before. Then again, you always look the same. Blue and Gold." he chuckled, mostly to himself. "Stranded here again, I see. Why is it you somehow end up here, of all places? Ha, I bet you're looking for an excuse to be here." He slung an arm around Kent's shoulder, leading him towards the kitchen. "Tea?"

Kent silently nodded. Then he cleared his throat. "About eleven. And, erm, well I try to stay the same." He admitted, following easily. "Yes, I am. A Mutant opened a portal at the same time as I did, and I entered it. Though, I came to the Sanctum this time specifically as I knew you could help. Though, I won't say no to having a good talk with one of the few able to keep up with me." The blond noted, humming.

Strange slid free of his position once in the kitchen, grabbing cups and putting a kettle on. "Hm. Strange Fate." he remarked, smirking at the choking that garnered. "Oh, you enjoyed yourself, don't pretend. A jilted lover wouldn't come back." he winked. Fate wouldn't look at him anymore. "I'll still help you, of course. Unless you'd like to make a vacation of things."

Kent shifted uncomfortably. "Perhaps not. I, erm, have had a rather busy month. Apparently there's something alluring about me. Not quite sure." Still, his mind was already wandering off to the past. Of silk ties around his wrists. Of careful, meticulous eyes watching his every action.

_"Strange." the words were carefully slipped past covered lips. The helm remained on, so that he could remain in some form of control. Or maybe to prove his inability to do anything. "P-please, ngh, f-fuck me." He begged lowly. Still, the other only smirked, waving his hand and stirring the device within him to a quicker speed. He gasped out, writhing._

_"We have time, Kent. You know that."_

Strange nodded faintly. "Of course. Perhaps another time. Visit more often, will you?" he noted, pouring them cups. They shared stories over the soothingly warm liquid. Then they headed to one of the rooms, where Stephen opened a portal and let Nelson exit back to his own home dimension.

* * *

Bonus: Hal; This Was Never Was The Way I Planned, Not My Intention

Green Lantern had cornered him, trying to pull him into a kiss. But Kent wasn't there. He sighed, pressing his head to the wall. He looked at the potion in his hand. "It said to apply to party you desire, didn't?" he grumbled, checking the label. Then he stared, slowly slumping as he read. "Oh, Goddamn you, Faust." 'Apply potion to self and approach Party you desire'. But it was a bit smudged so it looked as though it said to apply to party you desire. He ruffled his hair, going to find Doctor Fate.

Unfortunately, once he explained, Fate was very unwilling to talk to him. As it turned out, having pretty much a month of everyone lusting after you sucked.

He still looked at the bottle, though. And wondered if maybe.... Well...

It worked for Fate, didn't it?

 

 


End file.
